To Hell and Back

Coming home this weekend makes me think the worst is over with my mom....for now at least. Last weekend was living Hell.

Stephen was able to come with me this weekend, and see her progress. It worries me that he probably thinks that I over reacted or exaggerated her condition last week. But if you read my posts, you know that in my heart of hearts I was truly worried and concerned like never before.

Prayer is a powerful thing, and I believe that the prayers of those who love her has really lifted her up and the Lord has given her the strength to restore life for just a bit longer. I can't express the joy that was taken in a simple conversation with my mother today. It's so nice to have her mentally "back" (to some degree).

We're here for a few days and then we're heading to Natchez for the Krewe of Phoenix Call Out Ball. We're really excited about it! Our friends Ryan and Amanda, were so sweet to invite us and we're looking forward to a fun night. Gosh knows I could use some stress relief around here.

I've been enjoying my time home, even thought the physical environment here wears on me. My brother Timmy and his girlfriend Lory are being extra sweet and helpful. Its nice having her around to talk to about my mom...kinda reminds me of my sister, whom I miss dearly.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope that you slow down long enough to hug someone you love and don't see often or at least call them for a few quality moments. Time is such a precious thing and I think that we often waste it without realizing the consequences.

So...who is that extra special person  you're  gonna hug/call?????

I'm out of ink... I'm so busy drawing new conclusions

So for any of who understand the amazing frustrations of mother-daughter relationships I'd like to share with you my thoughts for today:

I've come to the conclusion that having to beg my mom to eat "ANYTHING, just one bite" is pay back for my years of feeding English Peas and liver to the dog under the table.

I've come to the conclusion that my Mother's frustrating blank stares, are the pay back for all those teenage years of "silent treatment".

I've come to the conclusion that having to deal with my Mother's sometimes senile husband (yes my father), is payback for her having to deal with any hard headed heart throb that I ever considered bringing home. (and probably my punishment for marrying a Methodist too!)

I'm also convinced that her insistance to wearing just certian nightgowns and slippers and having this one special pillow, and these socks not those socks, and a specific cup for coffee and a special one for water, is my serious payback for being such a particular child...and maybe, just maybe adult.

I say all this with pure heart because right now I'm only laughing to keep from crying.

Although having not yet been blessed with children, I will say that it makes one reconsider the ramificiations of raising a child.

On a positive note, I do belive that the prayers are working. Two days ago I decided to put out the message for all my prayer warriors. This seems harder to do lately, because I don't want the extra attention but just feel the need to call upon my fellow believers.  Mom has started eating light but vitamin and protein rich meals. She's also still sleeping. alot. She had moments last night and mid-day today where when she was 'up', she was a bit more alert than other times. (During the Saitnts game was one!)  To be honest, her spunk just isn't back yet so please keep praying.

Thanks for all the love and support, I feel it all around me.

If I knew then, what I know now......

When I named this blog, it was in jester towards learning about life and mostly marriage. Yet, during my life since marriage the only thing steady has been my marriage itself. It seems to be the easy part of this equation and I'm very thankful for that.

I'm writing from home (Downsville,LA) tonight. I've endure an emotional week of not being able to talk to my mom on the phone and made the decision to come see her. I'm not writing asking for sympathy but just sharing the thoughts crammed into my mind through this process. Its a process right?

Regardless of what "this" is...all I can keep telling Stephen and myself is that I'm not ready for "this".  I won't bore you to recant the chronicals of my mom's health, not because I don't think that you deserve to hear it but more because it's too complicated to explain and I'm not trying to expose her any more than she's already enduring.

So,I'll talk a bit more about how this affects our relationship and ask your advice as to what role I play in her life now. I've been with her through so many medical delimas. I was 5 when she had her first stroke. I was 9 when she had her pacemaker put in and gallbladder taken out. Then I spent the next 6 years on a montly cycle of her being in and out of the hospital (including stents in ICU).  Through it all it is seeing her in pain that hurts me the most. The helplessness that I feel when I can't do anything to make her feel better is something I can't describe.

Coming home to her tonight has scared me to death life. Something changes about your parental relationship when you're holding the yogurt spoon and telling the person who breastfed you, to "open wide and take just. one. bite". Something aches when you raise your voice and frustratingly plea with the person who spent years consoling you and wiping your tears away. And then something breaks when you scold yourself for having fleeting thoughts of how to give someone the comfort and rest they so desperately deserve.

Some of you know that my adolescent heart spent years thinking that mom wouldn't live to see me graduate high school, much less college. Then my prayers turned to the hope that she's see me walk down the aisle on my daddy's arm and spend a relaxing weekend at 'my' house. And now, she's convinced me that my only prayer be that she live to see my firstborn child.

Amazing. Yet, I've decided not to allow her to hold me on some pedastel and make that her life's goal. Because right now I feel like if I allow that, then I'm not pushing her to look past that. To look at the years beyond my fist child. JUST LIFE. Not any thing specific,why do we have to narrow things down like that? Make them fit in the "goal cubby holes of life"?  Yay, that's one's filled now we can move along?  That's not fair. Fair for me or for anyone else.

So, I've decided not to let myself get caught up in this moment and to keep looking ahead. This is just another "thing" and all I can do is pray she'll get through this and live to endure the next 'thing'.

I don't want sympathy from the people in my life who know I'm going though this. I want strength, I want empowerment, I want positive reinforcement (the REAL kind, not the crappy half-grinned generic stuff). I want people to pray for me and with me. I want to get through this with the kind of positive spirit that overflows to the point that she can feed off my strength and patience, and know that her only hope for comfort lies in the Lord.

I feel like I've probably said way too much, and yet I don't feel like I explained enough.  So I guess I'll just leave it at this.

Well I haven't given up yet....not quite anyway

So Thursday I returned in the rain and the freezing cold to the Moss Point Rec for my 2nd yoga class. Gloria (the only other  student in my class on Tuesday) brought her sister-in-law and neice to class.  So this made 4.

I am enjoying the class. I don't break a sweat, and yet I don't hold poses quite as long as my instructor either. I'm still working on my breathing techniques and haven't really felt sore this week. So I don't know that I'm making any real physical advancement but mentally its wonderful.

I won't get to go to class at all next week because of work, but I'll try and catch up with some of the morning videos.

Meanwhile, it sucks a bit to be dress shopping right now. I feel like crap. Nothing I want to fit does and I really can't "afford" anything that I like. So it just breaks my spirit to be searching for something that I know I can't have even if I found it.

Money is a sorry topic. It sends instant shivers up my spine and I don't know how different my financial situation would be if I was single...but I can acknowledge that it is the way it is because I'm married. 'nough said.

Oh I wanted a snow day today sooo bad. So many offices closed because of icy roads and I desperately wanted to stay home curled up in the bed. Instead, I ventured out and rewarded myself with the worst thing possible: food.

Breakfast from McD's and an awesome sushi lunch. Emotionally food really makes me happy. And then I think of those dresses I'm trying to fit in and I feel like crap again.

I don't know the answer to my own questions so I'll leave it up to you........am I the only one who is emotionally comforted and rewarded by food only to regret it later?

Namaste... " I honor the Spirit in you which is also in me."

o I did it. I went to yoga at the Moss Point Rec Center last night. I didn't have high expectation of the class or the center...and honestly I wasn't overly impressed or disappointed. More proud of myself for believing that I can do anything that any thin, rich, popular girl can do. Or atleast that I have the right to try.

I know that sounds pitiful but that's the way I feel about things sometimes, that it would all just be easier to walk into a room of athletes or to order a salad for lunch (b/c I like salads) if I were thin and rich. Ha! Well maybe I took the highroad on this one, convincing myself that I'd "fit right in" and hoping there would be a room full of other misfits to go with me.

So, my instructor (practically private instructor) is Quinton. A sweet man in his early sixties who was either nervous about teaching or I scared the crap out of.....offered to do the class anyway since I was the only one to show up! Sweet! Then another lady in her late thirties joined our class. I could handle this...just the two of us!

Meanwhile, I've been watching every morning the Aire Yoga classes on VME/ Florida PBS



I love this lady, she's an awesome instructor! I don't understand allt hat she's saying in Spanish but I've learned enough to recognize the same poses that Quinton refered to.

Anyways this was my exciting step yesterday. I've continued to bring my lunch to work yesterday and today, as well as drink between 22 and 40 ounces of water a day.

So how's it coming? Have you taken your first step yet?

One step at a time...

Well I'm not one on New Years Resoloutions...mostly because I always let myself down. But I have committed to start changing some things in my life, starting with my weight.

I don't know any other way to do this than little steps. Thanks to my friend Mel, I've started increasing my daily  water intake since before the holidays. Yes, it took bribing me with editing  my own wedding pictures...but it's working. I haven't been 100% consistant with this but I'm much better when I'm at work, sitting at my desk.

To hopefully motivate others and to keep myself going, I'll try to post some of my progress on here as it comes. This could mean daily or weekly....so just keep checking in and if you have it in you giving me some kudos!




So here's some the things I did differently today to change my life:



I woke up at 5:30 with Stephen, ate two pieces of toast w/ 6oz of OJ and STAYED UP! I didn't go back to bed. I had ideas of exercising but instead vegged out on the couch and watched an awesome Yoga workout in Spanish! I need to increase my Spanish anyways, this was a great starter.  Its ok, you can laugh that I watched a one hour yoga work out from my couch. I  think I'll try part of it tomorrow, I just wanted to see what it was all about!

I brought my lunch to work, although when it came time to eat it I had so little appatite I threw most of it away. And I'm drinking my water.

I hope to get on the eclipe machine and watch 30 mins of TV. We'll see if that happens.

Other news....I'm excited that we have TWO black tie events coming up. I'm looking for one formal dress that will help me feel better about me! I wish I had some time to shed the pounds before these events. But meanwhile, I'll just work on other things in between!



Are you changing atleast one thing everyday, if so let me know? I'm going to try one step at a time!