So much has been on my mind this week leading up to my 28th birthday, I really felt like I owed it to myself and maybe to some of the important people in my life to share these thoughts.
The picture above, represents so much to me. But not without a long story. For many...er most of my adolescent years I had an underlying fear that I had been adopted by my family. This maybe normal for most teenagers but my fear was instilled by my own sister, Nanette. I have no clue why she felt compelled to kid me about not actually being my parents' child. I thoroughly investigated this only to realize I had no pictures from the day I was born until my first Christmas (six months old).
Though my own commitment and my amazing bond with my parents prevailed I kept this thought in the back of my mind, mostly because I had no "proof". In 2006 my mother's sister passed away. After she passed my cousin found a stack of photos marked "Save for Evie" and gave them to me just months before my wedding in 2008. So with these pictures and my adolescent years behind me I never had to worry about that again!
These treasured photos are of me and my mom holding me.........but no pictures of me and my dad. At first I thought it was odd, but I just considered him behind the camera. There is no denying my genetic connection to my father.......my feet are all the evidence you need on that case. And on all other basis....I'm a "daddy's girl".
But recently reflecting on this picture made me realize the fact that these photos were taken of an infant 28 years ago. And yet at 28, I have no children of my own. No judgement here...I'm just saying. In my own mothers terms it would be another 10 years before I even had me!
Point is, this picture meant soooo very little to me until my biological clock started ticking. And thus is the beginning of my journey into motherhood. In just a few months from now, Stephen and I will start trying to start a family of our own. And with God's grace, within the next few years I'll have a photo just like this one. Of me and a child, who I can only hope to raise with the patience and forgiveness that my own mother used to raise me.
The meaning of family has changed so much for me in the last few years. First loosing my Aunt/Godmother and then my sister...but now loosing my brother has hit me really hard in the last few weeks. Somewhere along the way (literally, probably while passing an 18 wheeler on I-10) I realized that today I will not get the most precious phone call ever. My brother Lynn will not call me, ask me " where ya at?" and tell me Happy Birthday. He ALWAYS called me on my birthday. ALWAYS.
And although I can't lay my hands on it today, I know that somewhere at my house is a card that he also randomly choose and mailed to me last year. I don't remember ever getting a card and a phone call before from him....but last year I did. He took that extra step to tell me he loved me, that he was thinking about me from some truck stop somewhere to put down the 3.99, plus a stamp and to mail me a birthday card.
He did what I have only recently realized that I need to do. He stopped waiting for some future special occasion to tell me that I was special to him, that I had affected his life in a way I would never truly know. And with that inspiration I stepped up and recently did the same thing with an old friend. I told them how they probably never realized the impact they made on my life while I was in college. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that it felt soooooooo good.
Just a few short months after my brother made his annual call and mailed that inaugural card, he went on from this life ahead of us. And not for one moment, did I ever have to ask myself..."how did Lynn feel about me? or Did he love me? Were we 'okay'? Was he mad at me?" Because I knew, because he always told me.
I want to live like that. I want the people in my life to know, and to never have to wonder what they meant to me. So don't be surprised if I get all soupy sappy one day and tell you that your fingerprints are forever on the windshield of this great ride for me. I want to do it and I know its not always the easiest thing to tell people but I'm going to try to make sure that they know. And so in turn, although I won't get that call today...I got a truly precious gift of awareness from my big brother that will change the way I treat relationships in my life. And...I get the peace of mind because I don't have to worry what truck stop he's sleeping at tonight, I know where he's just where he belongs.
Its amazing how a photo can get you thinking........so my first stop today is to tell my mom how much this picture means to me and how thankful I am for the amazing parents I have.
Sorry for the rambling tonight, its 2AM on day 4 of this horse show. I've made a flying trip from Jackson to Arcadia and back today but wanted to get this off of my mind so I could sleep. I hope that I can share this gift with you, and that you'll tell me if you take the leap too!
