Attending Derrick and Shelia's wedding this weekend was good for my own marriage. Not just because the Priest constantly reminded couples that words hurt just as much if not more than actions and that sometimes we needed to "keep our mouths shut" so we can keep our marriages but also because everytime I go to a wedding and hear other people say "forever" I have hope that we're not the only ones crazy enough to think we can make it.
I'm open about how divorce scares me to death. It's happened to those who I care so much about and it befuddles me to know that some say forever and yet give up so soon. For others, I know that their lives are better now that their former partners are in the past.
And then I worry about couples in my life who live and love and laugh but don't make that committment. And even more my heart aches for the amazing wonderful single friends I have, and I crave that they find the companions they deserve. Truly, I want that for each of my friends.
I don't know why but I came home more appreciative of my husband and best friend than ever. I also gain a sense of responsibilitly and even the idea of how often I take the relationships I have in life for granted.
I often feel guilty for ever feeling lonely when I'm married. I have the nicest person ever come home to me each night and kiss me before he leaves each morning. I get to see all of my friends from out of town on occasions, I even schedule in some faimly time every now and then. Yet, when I least expect it my heart throbs and my soul feels alone in this battle of life.
Sometimes I think that the only reason that feeling hurts me is because it means that I have to spend time with myself. I dream of "finding myself", I think that just means to become the kind of person that I'd like to hang out with on the weekends. And as of right now, I'm not that person. I have plenty of ideas on how to get there.....I could loose weight, find a hobby that I enjoy, even do laundry or the dishes, wash my baseboards for no reason. But instead I pray for some sort of distraction so that I don't have to focus on the person I least like lately; me.
I don't know why but sometimes I expect Stephen to fix it all for me. To know when I'm feeling like this, even my friends or Mom to help me before I loose myself.
With all honesty, this is why I'm most scared of having kids right now. I'm scared that my life as I know it will completely vanish and I'll forever regreat not living or experiencing all of life that I wanted to. Then again, I think part of me is hoping to truly find myself before I have kids...maybe it's because I think I'll loose myself in their wonderfulness. Who knows?
All I know is today I'm rejuvinated by the laughter of the friends I saw this weekend and by the love in my husbands heart. Even when I feel like I'm at the worst, I'm glad to have moments to remind me how lucky in love and friendship I have been!
1 comment:
That was so beautiful...I don't know what else to say.
Your in my heart, thoughts, and prayers, the both of you.
Post a Comment